Our relationships with our siblings can have a powerful impact upon our early lives, producing intense feelings, positive or negative, that these same feelings can persist into our adult relationships with our brothers and sisters, and finally that these feelings can even be passed on to the next generation.
These early experiences with siblings could determine how we act or think or feel about ourselves today.
Siblings can powerfully affect each other's destiny.
Instead of worrying about the kids becoming friends, think about how to equip them with the attitudes and skills they'll need for all their caring relationships: Help them learn how to listen to each other, how to respect the differences between them and how to find the ways to resolve those differences having rational discussions. These skills will help them build bridges to span the separate islands of their identities.
Assignment: Observe what stirs things up between the kids. Don't let the discord go to waste. Write down the incidents or conversations that distress you.
Ch. 2 NOT 'TIL THE BAD FEELINGS COME OUT
The very emotions that we want to close the doors on and lock out, need to be invited in, made welcome, and treated with respect. If we forbid the expression of that rage, the danger is that it will go underground and reappear in other forms, either as physical symptoms or emotional problems.
It is common practice to deal with another person's "unreasonable" emotions with denial, logic, advice or reassurance. What they really need is to be acknowledged and know that we really understand how they feel. How comforting it is to have someone who will LISTEN to our negative feelings. We permit them to express all their feelings but we don't permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to help them express their anger in creative outlets, without doing damage. (Through words, writing or drawing, etc.)
The best way to help a child climb to a higher run on the ladder of civilized discourse is to model the behavior we want. If we are going to insist that children find alternatives to hitting and name calling, then we, ourselves, have to find alternatives.
- Examples of how to acknowledge their feelings
2. Describe what he wishes: "You wish he'd ask before using your things."
3. With a symbolic or creative activity: "How would you feel about making a 'Private
Property' sign and hanging in on your closet door?"
Ch. 3 THE PERILS OF COMPARISONS
"Never compare yourself to others. You'll become either vain or bitter."
Whatever you want to tell a child can be said directly, without any reference to a sibling. The key word is describe. Describe what you see, how you feel, what needs to be done. The important thing is to stick with the issue of this one child's behavior. Nothing a sibling does has anything to do with them.
It is a good idea to save enthusiastic comments for just the ear of the deserving child. This will cultivate more respect for others and more confidence in oneself.
- Bad Example: That's disgusting! Even the baby doesn't make a mess like that.
- Good Example: There's a little milk dripping down the front of your shirt. Let's get a napkin and wipe it up.
- Bad Example: I wish your brother had your study habits. He can't concentrate for more than a minute.
- Good example: You've been going over that vocabulary list for the last half hour!
You can't keep siblings from comparing themselves if they want to. That's there business. What's important is that they know that Mom and Dad see them as separate individuals and are not interested in comparing their grades.
Ch. 4 EQUAL IS LESS
It is futile to ever try to make things equal. The children will never get enough and as a mother, I can never give enough. Give uniquely to each child's legitimate needs. Your understanding and acceptance of the other child's disappointment will help them to deal with life's inequities.
"To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved UNIQUELY--for one's own special self--is to be loved as much as we need to be loved."
Seek out the specialness of each child and reflect the wonder of it back to them. By valuing and being partial to each child's individuality, we make sure that each of our children feel like a number one child. And the parents find a new and liberating way to be fair.
- Instead of giving equal amounts (You have the same amount of grapes as your sister),
- Give according to individual need (How many grapes do you want?).
- Instead of showing equal love (I love you all the same),
- Show the child he or she is loved uniquely (You are the only 'you' in the whole wide world No one could ever take your place).
- Instead of giving equal time (After I've spent 10 min. with your sister I'll spend 10 min. with you),
- Give time according to need (We are planning your sisters birthday party. When we are done I want to hear what's important to you).
Ch. 5 SIBLINGS IN ROLES
We need to prepare our children for life outside the family. And life demands that we assume many roles. We need to know how to care for and be cared for; hot be leaders and followers; how to be serious and a little 'wild'; how to live with disorder and how to create order.
A child's role in the family comes primarily from three sources--parents, the other siblings and the child himself. To get our children out of unfavorable roles, treat our children the way we hope they will become. Have expectations and demand that they behave accordingly. Let no one lock a child in to a role.
No child should be allowed to corner the market on any area of human endeavor. We want to make it clear to each of our children that the joys of scholarship, dance, drama, poetry, sport are for everyone and not reserved for those who have a special aptitude. There is no limit to what a child can become.
Each person needs to be accepted as they are, and each are capable of growth and change. Believe in each other, support each other like a team. Because that is what being a family is all about.
Bring to light what is positive about each child and positive about themselves as a family. Seeing any one child in a negative role ultimately harms the relationships between all the children.
Ch. 6 WHEN KIDS FIGHT: How to Intervene Helpfully
First examine how you usually react when the children fight.
Normal bickering:
1. Ignore it.
2. Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.
Situation Heating up:
1. Acknowledge the children's anger towards each other. That lone should help calm them.
"You two sound mad at each other."
2. Listen to each child's side with respect and reflect their point of view.
"So Trevor, you want to... because... And you Tage feel you are entitled to a turn too..."
3. Describe the problem with respect. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem.
"That's a tough one: two children and only one toy."
4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution.
"I have confidence that you two can work out a solution that's fair to each of you..."
5. Leave the room.
When fighting is heading towards hurting:
1. Describe what is going on.
2. Establish limits.
3. Separate them.
Children should have the freedom to resolve their own differences. Children are also entitled to adult intervention when necessary. If one child is being abused by the other, either physically or verbally, we've got to step in. We intervene to open the blocked channels of communication so that they can go back to dealing with each other, we don't settle their argument or make judgement.
Be aware that some of the problems between brothers and sisters don't 'blow over.' They persist and become a major source of stress and concern to the children.
Helping Children Resolve a Difficult Conflict:
1. Call a meeting of the concerned parties and explain the purpose of the meeting.
"There is a situation in this family that's causing unhappiness. We need to see what can be worked out to help everyone feel better."
2. Explain ground rules to everyone.
"We are calling this meeting because something is bothering __________. First we will be hearing from __________, with no interruptions. When she is finished we want to hear how you see things, and no one will interrupt you.
3. Write down each child's feelings and concerns. Read them aloud to both children to be sure you've understood them correctly.
4. Allow each child time for rebuttal.
5. Invite everyone to suggest as many solutions as possible. Write down all ideas without evaluating. Let the kids go first.
6. Decide upon the solutions you can all live with.
7. Follow-up
"We'll meet again next Sunday to see if we're satisfied with the way things are going."
What eases the tension, what makes harmony possible is the attitude of "Who needs what?" ... "Who feels what?" ... What solutions can be worked out that take everyone's feelings and needs into account?
How to encourage sharing:
1. Put the children in charge of the sharing.
"Kids, I bought one bottle of bubble soap for everyone. What's the best way to share it?"
2. Point out the advantages of sharing.
"If you give her half of your red crayon, and she gives you half of her blue crayon, you'll both be able to make purple."
3. Allow time for inner process.
"Lexi will let you know when she's ready to share."
4. Show appreciation for sharing when it occurs spontaneously.
"Thank you for giving me a bit of your cookie."
Ch. 7 MAKING PEACE WITH THE PAST
Understanding someone else allows us to forgive them so swiftly. Everyone needs understanding and love... not praise.
"Imagine a world in which brothers and sisters grow up in homes where hurting isn't allowed; where children are taught to express their anger at each other sanely and safely; where each child is valued as an individual, not in relations to the others; where cooperation, rather than competition is the norm; where no one is trapped in a role; where children have daily experience and guidance in resolving their differences."
Let us determine to resolve the grievances that separate us, reach out to each other and discover the love and strength that one sibling can give to another.
Each person needs to be accepted as they are, and each are capable of growth and change. Believe in each other, support each other like a team. Because that is what being a family is all about.
Bring to light what is positive about each child and positive about themselves as a family. Seeing any one child in a negative role ultimately harms the relationships between all the children.
Ch. 6 WHEN KIDS FIGHT: How to Intervene Helpfully
First examine how you usually react when the children fight.
Normal bickering:
1. Ignore it.
2. Tell yourself the children are having an important experience in conflict resolution.
Situation Heating up:
1. Acknowledge the children's anger towards each other. That lone should help calm them.
"You two sound mad at each other."
2. Listen to each child's side with respect and reflect their point of view.
"So Trevor, you want to... because... And you Tage feel you are entitled to a turn too..."
3. Describe the problem with respect. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem.
"That's a tough one: two children and only one toy."
4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution.
"I have confidence that you two can work out a solution that's fair to each of you..."
5. Leave the room.
When fighting is heading towards hurting:
1. Describe what is going on.
2. Establish limits.
3. Separate them.
Children should have the freedom to resolve their own differences. Children are also entitled to adult intervention when necessary. If one child is being abused by the other, either physically or verbally, we've got to step in. We intervene to open the blocked channels of communication so that they can go back to dealing with each other, we don't settle their argument or make judgement.
Be aware that some of the problems between brothers and sisters don't 'blow over.' They persist and become a major source of stress and concern to the children.
Helping Children Resolve a Difficult Conflict:
1. Call a meeting of the concerned parties and explain the purpose of the meeting.
"There is a situation in this family that's causing unhappiness. We need to see what can be worked out to help everyone feel better."
2. Explain ground rules to everyone.
"We are calling this meeting because something is bothering __________. First we will be hearing from __________, with no interruptions. When she is finished we want to hear how you see things, and no one will interrupt you.
3. Write down each child's feelings and concerns. Read them aloud to both children to be sure you've understood them correctly.
4. Allow each child time for rebuttal.
5. Invite everyone to suggest as many solutions as possible. Write down all ideas without evaluating. Let the kids go first.
6. Decide upon the solutions you can all live with.
7. Follow-up
"We'll meet again next Sunday to see if we're satisfied with the way things are going."
What eases the tension, what makes harmony possible is the attitude of "Who needs what?" ... "Who feels what?" ... What solutions can be worked out that take everyone's feelings and needs into account?
How to encourage sharing:
1. Put the children in charge of the sharing.
"Kids, I bought one bottle of bubble soap for everyone. What's the best way to share it?"
2. Point out the advantages of sharing.
"If you give her half of your red crayon, and she gives you half of her blue crayon, you'll both be able to make purple."
3. Allow time for inner process.
"Lexi will let you know when she's ready to share."
4. Show appreciation for sharing when it occurs spontaneously.
"Thank you for giving me a bit of your cookie."
Ch. 7 MAKING PEACE WITH THE PAST
Understanding someone else allows us to forgive them so swiftly. Everyone needs understanding and love... not praise.
"Imagine a world in which brothers and sisters grow up in homes where hurting isn't allowed; where children are taught to express their anger at each other sanely and safely; where each child is valued as an individual, not in relations to the others; where cooperation, rather than competition is the norm; where no one is trapped in a role; where children have daily experience and guidance in resolving their differences."
Let us determine to resolve the grievances that separate us, reach out to each other and discover the love and strength that one sibling can give to another.
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